I’ll stand up for this also!

Thank you for allowing me to participate in legislative process. I assume that once you are in a pianist government – it’s pretty hard to get you out unless you sell your soul (or your bench) to someone else for hard cash, or someone finds out you own a player piano.

Oh, i almost forgot about the ‘going green’ jobs. I also would like to propose that pianos begin to be built with trex (the new decking material). Not sure of the soundboard strength – but if the frame was slightly smaller – we could save money. Basically, making a woman’s piano finally. The smaller keyboard would make Chopin acessable and all those large chords which Rachmaninov never really thought the ladies would have to jump around for.

Martha Aarons, a flaut…uh, I mean a flutist

Ok, All the best,

-N

Addendum the First: Concerning post-concert shmoozing etiquette.

If, at any time, a pianist is subjected to the question “How do you move your fingers so fast?” by a well-meaning audience member, he/she shall henceforth be required to stare uncomprehendingly at said audience member for no less than two (2) but no more than five (5) seconds before replying, “Well, lots of practice!” Failure to respond in this way shall be punished by twenty (20) minutes of guilt-driven inquiry into the audience member’s own musical interests, which response shall, by necessity, include at least three (3) minutes of orgasmic noises intended to convey the rapturous beauty of Erik Satie’s Gymnopedies.

Addendum the Second: Concerning the rights of the listeners.

If, for any reason, the volume of a pianist’s breathing exceeds the volume of the music, likewise, if he/she emits exceedingly loud extra-musical noises such as gasps or cries, and/or physical/visible particles such as tears, flecks of spittle, or vomit induced by the conductor’s choice of tie, audience members in the first ten (10) rows are permitted to turn to each other, raise their eyebrows to the midpoint of their foreheads, and turn the corners of their lips downwards for a duration of two (2) seconds. However, they shall be required to describe the pianist’s performance as “passionate” to at least one (1) friend in the within the next seven (7) days.

Addendum the Third: To Division A.

It is the inalienable right of every pianist, whether playing in a concert hall, on YouTube, or for friends, to miss, neglect, or otherwise fudge as many notes as he/she deems appropriate, including but not limited to revelatory high notes, quiet intimate notes, solitary notes, and notes in parallel octave passages.

Well, Jeremy, thank you. This was the highlight of my day, I lol’d. It seems there is a considerable dearth of piano humor outside this blog.

I hope you are doing well, and I hope you will consider my addenda with “very serious seriousness” (see Heinrich Heine on Mendelssohn)

-N