Comments on: Legislating From My Bench

By: Annette

Annette — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:19:02 +0000

I love this post. Hilarious! Especially the bit about reading Lang Lang’s biography. Great wit.

By: Acting Out on Health Care « [snicket]

Acting Out on Health Care « [snicket] — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 23:05:35 +0000

[...] then there’s Jeremy Denk’s Pianist Health Care Plan which has been circulating amongst my musician friends. Kooky as it is, he’s got a point; [...]

By: NateBH

NateBH — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:48:42 +0000

I just realized that my addenda don’t really apply to a Healthcare Bill. (I was too busy laughing to pay attention– I’m “Adumdum”). But, as an American, and a pianist, I reserve the right to publish any and all comments, no matter how irrelevant (There’s another addendum for ya)

Ok, All the best,

-N

By: NateBH

NateBH — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 08:06:40 +0000

Proposed Addenda:

Addendum the First: Concerning post-concert shmoozing etiquette.

If, at any time, a pianist is subjected to the question “How do you move your fingers so fast?” by a well-meaning audience member, he/she shall henceforth be required to stare uncomprehendingly at said audience member for no less than two (2) but no more than five (5) seconds before replying, “Well, lots of practice!” Failure to respond in this way shall be punished by twenty (20) minutes of guilt-driven inquiry into the audience member’s own musical interests, which response shall, by necessity, include at least three (3) minutes of orgasmic noises intended to convey the rapturous beauty of Erik Satie’s Gymnopedies.

Addendum the Second: Concerning the rights of the listeners.

If, for any reason, the volume of a pianist’s breathing exceeds the volume of the music, likewise, if he/she emits exceedingly loud extra-musical noises such as gasps or cries, and/or physical/visible particles such as tears, flecks of spittle, or vomit induced by the conductor’s choice of tie, audience members in the first ten (10) rows are permitted to turn to each other, raise their eyebrows to the midpoint of their foreheads, and turn the corners of their lips downwards for a duration of two (2) seconds. However, they shall be required to describe the pianist’s performance as “passionate” to at least one (1) friend in the within the next seven (7) days.

Addendum the Third: To Division A.

It is the inalienable right of every pianist, whether playing in a concert hall, on YouTube, or for friends, to miss, neglect, or otherwise fudge as many notes as he/she deems appropriate, including but not limited to revelatory high notes, quiet intimate notes, solitary notes, and notes in parallel octave passages.

Well, Jeremy, thank you. This was the highlight of my day, I lol’d. It seems there is a considerable dearth of piano humor outside this blog.

I hope you are doing well, and I hope you will consider my addenda with “very serious seriousness” (see Heinrich Heine on Mendelssohn)

-N

By: Kristin

Kristin — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:25:25 +0000

An even better “Cash for Clunkers” program would rid University practice rooms of piano shaped objects and replace with Steinways. Or at least something where more than 55 keys play the correct pitch.

By: Pianist jokes « Dave Williams’ Blog

Pianist jokes « Dave Williams’ Blog — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 01:00:02 +0000

[...] Legislating From My Bench a concert pianist creates a health-care plan for concert pianists. Lots of inside-baseball jokes, [...]

By: Bill Brice

Bill Brice — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 17:05:41 +0000

OK Jeremy. Now you got my legislative juices flowing. What I’m proposing here is a new “cash for clunkers” stimulus program to goose up the classical composition industry. Let’s say you have a few old war-horses in your classical stable that are growing a bit, shall we say, long in the tooth. I’m thinking pieces like, oh, the Katchaturian piano concerto, or Pictures at an Exhibition, or anything by Howard Hanson. You bring them in and get an instant cash credit toward a new, energy-efficient, low-maintenance piece by somebody like Arvo Paart.

Of course, we’d need special provisions for items like Goldberg Variations.

By: Bill Brice

Bill Brice — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:54:39 +0000

I propose the following amendment:

“The establishment of any classical-music death panels shall be expressiy forbidden, whether by any government agency or any US-based Web commentators.”

Greg Sandow — you better NOT pull the plug on Brahms!

By: A_Cellist

A_Cellist — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:37:43 +0000

Dear Sir,

I take particular offense at Divsion A Part 3. You must protect the right of cellists to sue pianists. We have no other recourse against pianists following their “artistic vision” and taking their preferred tempi, ever since jamming them in the ribs with a cello bow was prohibited.

(Oh, what’s the point. This bill will die in committee anyway, no doubt.)

By: CBC Radio 2 (cbcradio2) 's status on Saturday, 19-Sep-09 14:23:38 UTC - Identi.ca

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 14:23:42 +0000

[...] http://jeremydenk.net/blog/2009/09/10/legislating-from-my-bench/ a few seconds ago from Twhirl [...]